280 days of thoughts…

Been a while. I know.

Nine months ago, when I found out about news that was supposed to make me the happiest, it was some of the worst days of Kurdish politics in recent years. Iraqi army was literally taking over the Region. Socially, economically and even politically things were breaking apart….

That evening images of kids in Syria being attacked was on my Twitter feed and there, on the table, in front of me was a paper confirming that inside my womb was another life…

It was a huge contradiction. While death, destruction and depression was all around me, inside me something was about to grow, a heart about to beat. Inside me was hope, life, and beauty…

The days passed. I decided to lock myself out of the news world. Emotionally it hurt me. Hormones were fluctuating as fast as the news I saw on TV. It was the exact same thoughts I had with my first child: “Am I doing the right choice in bringing life into such a horrible world?” It seems silly to ask this now. But when you’re a hormonal woman, it’s a different story.

Fast forward nine months and here I am… waiting for this life to arrive, 280 days and these thoughts would come to me- the world we live, the chaos, the poverty, the injustice. Baby will make an appearance and how do I feel about that? For someone who grew up all her life around politics, who studied it and then refused to ever practice it I would love to put all the pessimist thoughts aside and have lots of hope.

But hope in what? I lost hope in Iraqi politics long, long ago. I feel immune, I have no emotions of affiliation, or admiration or even respect to that parliament. I know too many great people who belong there but will never make it. Voices that I would love to speak on my behalf, but in such a country they will never have that chance.

That aside. I hope the life that I will bring will be hope in such a hopeless world. I pray this new life who will open its eyes into a better world. If all else fails, may this individual be one of the many who will make positive change…

What I know for sure is that if we raise good human beings, that’s one better person in this world… and we can never have enough of those people. I see them in my life, all the time.

The promise that I will make is that of love. And I can’t be hopeless, because I am surrounded by way too many good people to lose hope in a better life.

And that, my dearest reader, is a glimpse of my world in the past 280 days.

Lots of love to Kurdistan


4 thoughts on “280 days of thoughts…

Add yours

  1. Oh, Sazan gyan .
    well said , well done ….
    words, situations and feelings touches my heart in many ways, right now I live in fear,conflict and a doubt with myself about child decision !
    you are such a good mom, and perfect strong women , I hope you pass those few weeks easily safely and healthily . And growing them as you planing to do , you can do it I am sure .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Despite everything it’s a feeling and blessing beyond words. Difficult yes, time consuming yes, but a reward that makes you sleep at night with a smile (if you manage to sleep hhhh) and thanks for your comment.


  2. chawani bashi sazan? I have a question to a different post, about your desire to adopt, how do you cope? I am a revert and married to a Kurd from Dohuk, we both feel openly towards adopting, it has been a lifelong dream for me, but seeing as how iraq prohibits such a thing how do you cope? I mean I guess I can sponsor a child but to not have it be able to live with us is a huge difference. Do you know if it would be possible for my inlaws to foster a child? Or does it have to be imesiate family? I wish you all the best on your new journey to motherhood!


    1. thank you for writing. For a long time adoption was in my agenda too… but I feel now that foster care or sponsoring from far might be better. However, I know where you are coming from. legally, you can only adopt a child if both parents are no longer alive and if I am correct if you or your partner is infertile. However I have seen family with four kids adopt a child- so there are ways around the law I guess…. and if you want your paper work to go ahead I think a lot of connections is needed, not as easy as one would think.
      If you are thinking of sponsoring from far, please let me know because there are many kids who need that help and support while they are living in their own environments.


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